Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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