So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
