I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
