Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
