3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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