Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
