Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
