Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
