Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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