Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
