I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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