I want to walk on stilts...naked
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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