can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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