When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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