Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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