I just gift wrapped bread.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
