i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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