Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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