My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
