Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
