If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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