I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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