I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
