if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
