i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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