so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
