the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
