I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
