The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
