I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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