I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's blow job season.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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