I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
