did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
