If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
