i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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