Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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