Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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