Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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