I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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