Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
