I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize