I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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