Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
