I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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