I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
