i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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