i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
PANTIES FOUND
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