I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
