I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
