ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
