between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
