I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
