i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
