I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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