found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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