I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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